Let’s race to the stores and prepare for the feast
We must drive to Kroger’s and get the Who beast.
Why, it wouldn’t be Christmas without hot roast beast!
Then jump on the web, Oh no! Spread the alarm!
There are no books or toys left on Amazonious.com.
Just a few days ago, I was slowly waking from an evening’s sleep. It was Saturday morning, so there was no wild rush to get ready for work. My wife, the fair Penelope, who was already awake, looked at me and in my state of half awake ness I though I heard her sing:
You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch
Your Christmas spirit stinks,
With patience non-existent
An attitude that’s bad
Mr. Grinnnnnch
You’re turning into a bah-humbug,
Short-tempered, Scrooge
So get up and let’s finish the Christmas shopping for the kids and grandkids
Before I get maaaad!
Absolutely dumbfounded, I managed to prop open one eyelid. “Moi?” was my rapier response. (You see: I am only capable of uttering one-syllable words before the first cup of coffee in the morning).
I had always thought of myself as having grand amounts of Christmas spirit. Goodwill towards men, I thought, almost oozed out of my every pore. Then reality began to set in. Perhaps----just perhaps, my elevated cholesterol levels were not due to the milk of human kindness, which I thought flowed through my veins.
The previous weekend when we were shopping I had been livid when an old battle-axe, excuse me, a little elderly lady driving a Mercedes blocked in three cars from exiting while she waited five minutes for a parking spot to become available closer to the store. Then I remembered that the week before that, I had gotten upset at an outlet store that was having a big sale on sport coats. Their selection consisted of a wide array of Size 38 shorts and Size 56 Longs. The week before that while trying to shop on-line, I recalled saying many naughty words to my computer as the search criteria I was providing constantly produced fruitless results.
As the second cup of coffee began to work its magic, the pieces of the puzzle began to fall in place.
The baseball season begins in April and ends in October.
Football starts in September and ends in January.
Hockey start in October and ends in June.
Basketball starts in November and ends in June.
The curtain parted; the light of reason started to shine. I had started my Christmas season far too early. I usually do no Christmas shopping until well into December, but this year I had been shopping for Christmas presents for too many weeks ----- since early November. My Christmas spirit was being sapped away by some strange alien force one gets exposed to by having too many close encounters of the retail kind. Strangely, though, my wife was not being affected.
Gentlemen, when it comes to shopping---I mean the go to the mall, fight the mobs, hip checking, bargain hunting, take no prisoners kind of shopping--we are sadly ill equipped. I think it is some kind of genetic deficiency, probably biblical, buried somewhere in Revelations. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, however. After an exhausting Thanksgiving day of cooking, eating, talking, laughing, making sure that all guests were comfortable, then finally dropping into bed totally spent, who would get up at 5:15AM the next morning just to be sure they could be at Wal-Mart when it opened at 6:00AM????
Would you, Joe? Would you, Darrell?
So armed with the knowledge that I had fallen victim to Christmas Holiday Season crawl syndrome, I began to think about how to overcome it.
Back in the 50’s when I was growing up, nobody mentioned Christmas until after Santa rode down Herald Square at the end of the Macy’s parade on Thanksgiving Day. As I child I assumed this was statute law. This thought was reinforced by the liturgical calendar of my church, which showed that it was still “Ordinary” time of the Easter season. According to the church, advent started the Christmas season, and the first Sunday of Advent was always about four weeks before Christmas.
I also remembered the great delaying tactic that my mother used when we were small. After seeing Santa live at the parade, we would ask her when we would be able to see him so that we could tell him what we wanted for Christmas. My mom would explain that Santa was at the Macy’s store in Manhattan and he had to see all of the little boys and girls in the city first. After that it would take at least two weeks before he would be able to arrive in Queens, because he would have to make several stops in Brooklyn.
We were a bit skeptical that Santa would travel by subway, but we gave mom the benefit of the doubt even though we could hear the muffled chuckles coming from behind dad’s newspaper. When my brother was finally old enough to read a subway map, he included it in his next letter to Santa, explaining that if the jolly old elf took the 6th Avenue F train at either 34th or 42nd St., he wouldn’t have to go through Brooklyn first, and could get to Queens a few weeks earlier from now on.
So as far as we were concerned, Church, State, and parents agreed that the Christmas season did not begin until after Thanksgiving, and serious Christmas shopping could not possibly begin until mid-December.
Reflecting back on my mother’s reticence to delay the start of the Christmas season until almost mid-December, I see the wisdom of her actions. My birthday is November 17. Thanksgiving comes soon after that. My two sisters have birthdays in December. She wanted us to be able to focus on these other important events, and not get swept away in the early rush of the Christmas season. Think about it for minute. Thanksgiving has now become a second-class holiday. It provides us with a four-day weekend during which many spend three of these days with the rest of the herd at a shopping mall. Did any of you call Thanksgiving “Turkey Day” when you were kids? Not in my house. My folks always had their best clothes on for the entire day. We got dressed up, usually went to Church, and were allowed to stay in our good clothes until after Thanksgiving dinner was finished. During the meal, we would go around the table several times, each of us in turn giving reasons why we were thankful. Thanksgiving is special. We need to keep it that way.
And I know that my sisters and I really appreciated the special attention we received on our birthdays, close to Christmas as they were.
So I am now adamant to keep the season within reason and I urge all of you to do the same.
Perhaps we need to become a bit more child-like when it comes to living through the Christmas season. Children can give tremendous focus to events and things, as long as they are kept simple and are not long and drawn out. They can totally and completely enjoy the moment without worrying about what has to happen next. And when it comes to Christmas, some of us are still children at heart, and most of us want to be.
If you don’t believe me, the next time you light the tree in the evening for your family, stop for a moment and admire it. It’s very pleasant. Then turn to the children, especially the young ones. Catch the reflection of the lights dancing in their eyes; sense the serenity and excitement they contain. It’s magic!
Merry Christmas, dear friends.
Mr. Toastmaster.