My Life,

As Seen on TV

(Toastmaster’s Speech #1)

Imagine for a moment, Daisy, Bo & Luke Duke in Hazzard County Georgia. Well, I’ll tell you right now, that the producers of that show actually based the characters on my mother’s family. Although they changed it a bit to protect the innocent, the story is still the same.

Most men in my family ran moonshine, including my mother’s uncle (who was the Sheriff) and two second cousins (who were deputies). My grandfather, however, was the most famous moonshine runner in all the foothills of the Appalachians. Although the Revenuers would get heat around election-time, they would always let my grandfather know when they were going to blow-up his still so he could take out “the good stuff.” But… that last time was unexpected. Not only was the still broken, but his heart as well, and he could not bear to build it back. Now days, I have only an uncle who makes the stuff, but only for “nostalgia” purposes.

Now my mother was quite a woman in her times. You know she got her driver’s license when she was 14? She was driving around a mountain on her way to a rodeo when the breaks gave out, sending her flying off a curve, down the woods, through a fence and into a swamp. All decked out in a fringed white leather outfit, she crawled out the window and waded through the swamp to a nearby farmhouse. When the Sheriff came out to investigate, he said “Honey, anyone who could dodge those trees like that deserves their license right now” and so she did. I don’t know if that encouraged her to start racing, but she did nonetheless. Since women back then were not allowed to race cars at the Greenvalley Raceway, she had to disguise herself as a man. Although she would be disqualified when she won, that didn’t matter to my mother.

Although my grandmother’s part was cut from the original script, you’ll be glad to know she is doing fine. When I went for a visit to see her new double-wide, I was talking about my living in the South. She quickly corrected me and said, “You don’t live in the South, you live in Alabama. Everyone knows that Georgia is the South!” I gave out a chuckle but stopped abruptly when I realized she wasn’t joking.

(Pause)

Now, imagine for a moment, Daisy Duke gets married to Blake Carrington. You remember the Carrington’s from Dynasty don’t you? Well, when the Dukes of Hazzard’s ratings declined, those producers again interviewed my family. And, I’ll tell you right now, that those producers actually based the characters on my father’s family.

My father had always taken notice of my mother who was working at a factory he managed. He especially took notice when she came to work with a black eye and noticeable bruises, and called her into his office. There she confided in him, and told of an abusive husband. He immediately came up with a plan to rescue her. And he did. Although there was a 17 years difference, a friendship quickly evolved.

He then married my mother and adopted me. I’ll never forget the first visit to my new grandparent’s home in Illinois. I remember sitting at the dinner table that first night, and my grandmother was astonished that a girl of seven did not know proper dinner etiquette. There was “quite a lot of work to be done with this child,” she said. Elbows off the table, knife/fork techniques, and of course knowing the proper dinner attire. It didn’t stop there: acceptable occasions to wear pants; proper letter writing techniques; and my favorite, “glide, don’t bounce.” My grandfather, however, liked my spunk and would allow me to escape my grandmother by taking me on tours of the properties. I especially liked visiting the oil fields. It was amazing to see the amount of work that went into drilling. I wanted to see a “gusher” but my grandfather said they only happen on TV. I don’t know how he knew this since my grandmother did not allow TVs.

(Pause)

Now that all the reruns of those old shows are in full swing, the producers again have come to ask what else is new. I’ve not quite gotten down the details yet, but I’d like this one to be an adventure. And, since I’d like to not only star in this show but do my own stunts, I’ve been brushing up on my favorite activities like whitewater rafting, water skiing, and snow skiing with my husband, Bob. I’ve flown an airplane, swam a 5k open-water competition, tried a few triathlons, and hold the mile-swim record at the local Natatorium. I thought the Boy Scouts would be a fun adventure to share with my 10 year old son, Jordan, so I’ve been an active Cub Scout leader for five years now. And since I am usually the only female at camp-outs, I find it suitable competition in getting my tent set up before the dad’s. But, no one’s adventures would be complete without SCUBA diving with a few Bull Sharks wanting what’s in your bag; camping with a few thousand Harley riders (including the Hell’s Angels and the Outlaws); participating in firearm classes where you are taught to tactically reload and get back into the gunfight, and riding out six-foot seas in the perfect storm when it was only suppose to be a three hour tour, and you are five miles away from the nearest... uncharted…. desert….. isle. Hmm…

Well, you now know a little more about me but I’ve many more stories and many more speeches. I look forward to every one and appreciate the opportunity to be called a “Fellow Toastmaster.” (5:41)

Thank you.